YRP The SelfHelp Three
by Final Fantasy H II
Summary: Err, well this is another dopey parody based in my mad mind
1. Default Chapter

Right, I'm gonna get a lot of flames from people who have set their hearts on 'flaming me' but this really is just me being stupid, now.  
  
YRP; THE SELF-HELP THREE:  
  
In this tale our characters include ; PAINE – A fierce warrior addicted to self-help books and heavy metal music YUNA – A television-orientated young woman with a mission; reclaim her 100gil from Tidus and get home in time for EastEnders and the repeat of Everybody Loves Raymond on UK Gold. RIKKU – A bemused (and slightly psychotic Al Bhed) who is deeply interested  
in the Praetor's privates. BARALAI – The Welsh Praetor of New Yevon  
...and many, many more!  
  
"...And I have to wear this Moogle suit?" Yuna asked doubtfully looking suspiciously at Rikku and Paine who were sitting on the wall overlooking the docks.  
  
"Yunie, if we take you in there then our cover will be blown!" Rikku said. Not for the first time.  
  
Paine looked up from the self-help book she was reading to look at Yuna.  
  
"Being in disguise will develop you as a person." She said, throwing the book to Yuna. Yuna opened it randomly and began reading aloud;  
  
"'Chapter 17; how to have better orgasms – alone'...?"  
  
Paine rolled her eyes, unsuccessfully hiding the blush that was rapidly eclipsing her cheeks,  
  
"you're looking at the wrong chapter, Yuna." To Rikku, "trust her to find that one."  
  
Yuna shuffled around uncomfortably in the Moogle suit, thinking of a way she could get out of this.  
  
"Ohh. Wait, in that other book it said going in disguise was eclipsing your true self and potentially damaging? Right?"  
  
The warrior-turned-sex-kitten looked at her reproachfully, "...no."  
  
"But Paine!" Paine stuck her headphones on and her finger up.  
  
Rikku turned to her, unable to stay still, "Yunie, you do wanna find him, right?"  
  
"Well, no not really. Do you have any idea of all the great shows I'm missing?! I mean really, I'm not his mother, I just want my money back...."  
  
And so on...  
  
"Well?" Rikku asked, watching the Praetor depart. She looked at Yuna and at Paine quickly and back at the door to make sure Baralai wasn't there. "what do you think?"  
  
"What?!" Yuna jumped away from Rikku, trying to look like she wasn't a part of the conversation.  
  
"Date, kill or f?" Rikku clarified.  
  
"Err, Paine?" Paine pulled her headphones off so that they rested on her anorexic-like collarbone.  
  
"You shouldn't make her choose, it closes her mind to the other possibilities. And anyway," she said, pulling the headphones back up, "you ought to see him naked."  
  
"We are gonna have to do something about those books..." Rikku hissed to Yuna. "...and interrogate her about him."  
  
"Don't let him push you around, Yuna." Paine said from her spot by the table.  
  
Nooj chuckled and turned to face her.  
  
"A word to the wise."  
  
"Why not?" Yuna asked, looking at Paine.  
  
"I read that it's bad for you, spiritually, mentally and physically."  
  
Nooj looked at Paine as if she were a new state-of-the-art-cane.  
  
"Aren't spiritual and mentality the same thing?" He asked, glancing at Yuna and Rikku who were stealing sweets.  
  
"...No."  
  
"Distress calls from the Celsius!" Someone shouted, ending the farcical meeting.  
  
"Are you going to make war with New Yevon?" Yuna asked the guard of the Youth League who was skinning a banana.  
  
"And are you going to eat that banana?" Rikku asked, holding the concave thing that may have passed as a stomach.  
  
Despite being disappeared, Nooj appeared, "Yes, we're going to burn and throw them the collected works of J.K. Rowling and then drop Youth League leaflets on the mostly illiterate fs."  
  
"Mostly?" Paine asked.  
  
"Well, Baralai can write his name...sort of."  
  
"I never thought you'd end up as a sphere hunter." Nooj told Paine, who was glaring at him with all the malice her self-help books had taught her.  
  
"No?"  
  
"No. In fact I thought you had maybe, headbanged and fell over. Never to be seen again." He said throwing the sphere to her where it presently smashed.  
  
"S."  
  
"Nooj cannot be trusted." Baralai said, looking away from Paine.  
  
"You talked to Nooj?" She asked, ready to give the impudent Welshman what for.  
  
"Nooj?" Yuna and Rikku asked simultaneously.  
  
"Yeah," Baralai said, "you know, Nooj, pretends to be disabled at peak times so he can get the space next to the supermarket entrance, look you."  
  
"...And Vegnagun?"  
  
"Oggie, oggie, oggie. Oi! Oi! Oi!!" Baralai shouted swinging his staff around and diving into battle.  
  
"Why do I even try?" Paine asked burying her head in her hands.  
  
"Hey! Y-You!" Gippal said, closing in quickly on Paine. "Paine, nice to meet you." "Ah?" Gippal was confused, had she forgotten their 'sexual arrangement'?  
  
"We're here for the beer"  
  
"Err-What?"  
  
Yuna & Rikku: "Beer!"  
  
"You don't wanna dig in the sand?"  
  
"No! Beer!"  
  
"Ok! Ok! Inside the temple – GO!"  
  
Yuna, Rikku, Paine: "Beer! Beer! Beer!" Running off into the temple.  
  
Gippal: "Jeezly Crow."  
  
Yuna jumps down from the Celsius and begins running inland towards Lulu and the entire village. Yuna doesn't know why they're there – maybe their televisions are broken.  
  
"Yuna!" An irritating blond calls from the water, whistling pathetically. "I want you!"  
  
"Fine! Just talk to me during the adverts!"  
  
"No!" Shouts Paine who is trying to hold Rikku's head under, "I like the adverts!"  
  
"Eh, tough luck buddy." Yuna says, taking the money she's owed from his wallet (and extras) and running indoors.  
  
"Paine! You'll be my 'friend', right?"  
  
Yet again the headphones go on and the finger goes up.  
  
"Please! I'll let you wear your headphones in bed!"  
  
Paine shrugs her shoulders and sits down to unwrap a sweet. Rikku runs up to Tidus.  
  
"I'll go with you if you want"  
  
"...Lulu?"  
  
"You were right, Paine. We had to fight it, didn't we?"  
  
Shadow dwarfs YRP.  
  
"That would be what you say after we fight it, Yuna"  
  
YRP: "Aaarrrggghhh!"  
  
"I have a plan. Can't call it a smart one, though." Nooj said, looking directly at Paine.  
  
"What's that?" She said.  
  
"I'm going to shoot his area that isn't protected by his armour or his groups insurance policy."  
  
"Sounds like a plan! It'll help him open his mind, anyway..." she said, putting her headphones in their accustomed spot and opening a self-help book.  
  
"Lady Yuna! Wow, you look so good. Wow, it's been so long!" Elma burbled, running over to Yuna mindlessly.  
  
Paine looked on and turned up the volume a little.  
  
"yeah, it has." Yuna answered, "but unlike me you look terrible. I mean, what's all those little plaity things? It looks I Love The Eighties has been turned in to a person or I know you look like Bill Bailey – you know that team captain off Never Mind The Buzzcocks...I mean, why? Oh, and I know I look good, I don't need to be told..."  
  
Err, no wonder one of my reviewers was worried about my mental health. 


	2. 2

Jeezly-Crow. Okay, so my English language teacher starts talking about coursework...so I decide I'm going to do my language study on 'how language is used to present Tidus and Yuna in Final Fantasy X/-2...And they tell me I need to get help. This deviates slightly from the last chapter  
  
Nooj; Hey, Paine, have you seen the paper today? Paine; No, we bought it but then we had to put it on the floor just in case Rikku had an accident. Baralai; Rikku, look you? Gippal; The one who looks like Axl Rose. Baralai; La. Nooj; PlayGameBoxCube 2 are making our Crimson Squad days into a videogame.  
  
Baralai; I don't like it. La. Paine; Yeah, I can just see it; 'Crimson Squad' - play with a friend or play with yourself. Nooj; Paine! Paine; What? You do it all the time! Gippal; What, play with Paine? Paine; No, with himself! Gippal; (Cackles in the Al Bhed fashion by banging his head on a table) I'm sure Leblanc will play with you if you ask nicely. Baralai; Leblanc's too busy for that, boyo. Paine; What, playing with Ormi and Logos?  
...and so on -0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0- 0-  
  
Yuna; Oh, hurry up already. (Pouts even though no one can see it under the costume) I only put a ninety minute video in.  
  
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0- 0- 


End file.
